Boobelers

Yes, I’m going there. I recently saw a post from runningchitony in which she stated that she doesn’t like to pay more than $20 for a sports bra. Sounds awesome, however I am of the opposite persuasion. I simply can not buy a bra for $20, because I would have to spend further money on makeup to cover the black eyes I would have from getting hit in the face with my wobblies.

I have giant boobs. There, I said it. I have always had them, at least since 4th grade. Here, in chronological order, are some of the crap situations I’ve had to put up with due to my hooties:

1. 5th grade: Ran out of Catholic school with all of my friends (boys included) to my mom’s car. We all piled in and my mom decided to not-so-softly whisper, “I think it’s time for us to get you a bra. Those tank tops ain’t cuttin’ it.” Cut to me speed-walking away, my cheeks flaming with embarrassment.

2. 6th grade: Moved to a new neighborhood and started middle school away from all of my friends and knowing no one. Had to take the bus, where the 8th grade boys would squeeze my boobs as I walked by their seats. Tried to stand up for myself, but then they would push me around so I just dealt with it and got a ride from my mom whenever I could.

3. 7th grade: Was walking downtown by myself to meet friends on a half-day from school. I saw a bunch of 6th grade boys, at least one of which I had a massive crush on. I noticed them noticing me (ooh-la-la), and put a little extra spring in my step. Next thing I know, they’re all serenading me as I walk by. The song? “Titty woman, walking down the street…titty woman, the kind I’d like to meet…”

4. 8th grade: Hanging out at my house with my best friend in the kitchen. I was wearing pajama bottoms and a giant white Celtics t-shirt I got for free (everyone had one for some reason), with no bra. My stepfather looks up from where he’s sitting, makes a disgusted face, and says “Tammy, put a bra on.” My friend still to this day says this to me and dissolves into uncontrollable laughter.

5. 8th grade: Got into a bit of a sticky situation with a boy 2 years older than me because I knew he was only hanging out with me in order to get to 2nd base and tell all of his friends. I had him over one night while my folks were away, and he got a little aggressive when I wouldn’t let him go further than kissing me. He pushed me, yelled at me and scared the everliving shit out of me because he was a big dude. Kicked him out, slammed the door and cried like a baby on the floor for 20 minutes. My mom found out I had a boy over and I got grounded for a month. Truthfully, I was relieved to have an excuse to stay home.

6. 11th-12th grade summer: Had a breast reduction because my cheerleading uniform was beginning to look rather obscene and I kept sucking the volleyball into my cleavage by accident. Lost 15 pounds in the process and felt better than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

7. College: Put on a zillion pounds and whaddaya know, they came back with a vengeance. Looked similar to my roommate, so became known as ‘the big one with the boobs’.

8. Early 20s: Lived with a friend and we entertained a lot, earned my nickname as the “Hostess with the Most Tits”. Somewhat self-proclaimed title, but sometimes it hurts less if you say it first.

9. Late 20s: One of my boyfriend’s friends met me for the first time. Overheard him saying “Dude, that girl has the biggest tits I’ve ever seen…”. Was so hurt to think that was the only impression I gave.

10. 2 years ago: Went to Nashville with a bunch of (skinny) friends for a bachelorette party. Came out of the shower to find two of them with my strapless bra, each with one cup over their heads like water polo helmets. They wanted me to take a picture. I wanted to die of shame.

(Note: I know some of those girls read this blog. Please realize that although it was embarrassing, it was funny then and it is still funny now. I wouldn’t be blogging about it if I had sustained any permanent damage so please don’t feel the need to apologize.)

11. Now. I’m running outside regularly and thankful for the days when I get to bundle up so the twins can’t be seen. I’m constantly in search of the perfect sports bra, but welcome any ideas (I currently love the Enell but it’s kind of huge and too hot for summer, and I have one mystery bra that has adjustable velcro straps that is my favorite). I will pay anything for amazing minimizing support.

Any help from my fellow busties?