One of these kids is not like the others

My sister asked for a North Face raincoat (yes a plastic raincoat, yes for $99) for her birthday, so I went in to REI to pick it up. Here’s what I was wearing (this is important, so please put your visualization hat on):

• Short black fitted dress
• Over-the-top green beaded multi-strand necklace
• Sky-high killer black heels
• Giant sunglasses on my head
• Giant bag slung over my shoulder

In addition to the jacket, I also bought myself a new Nike sports bra and some gummy colas. Here is my conversation with the girl at the counter:

Her: Do you want a bag?
Me: Yes please, I really don’t need people to see my giant sports bra.
Her: (awkward laugh) Trust me I hear you.
Me: (looking doubtfully at her nonexistant boob area) Uh…yeah. Well the good thing about this one is that it’s padded, so when I get race pictures back I won’t be nippleottomus anymore! (further proof of me being a shallow, egotistical asshole)
Her: Yeah…so, you’re an REI member, right?
Me: Um…no.
Her: Really? (insert long spiel about how REI is a co-op and blah blah blah)
Me: Fine. Sounds good. Sign me up.
Her: I’m just surprised you weren’t already a member. You totally look like one.

Ummmmm…no I don’t. In fact, if i could have chosen any particular outfit out of my closet in order to NOT fit in at REI that would have been it. That chick needs to seriously readjust her sales pitch. Oh, and I can climb the rock wall in the store on weekends? Yeah, I’ll see you there. We can meet for coffee before even!