Swass and Swoobs: Real Talk

If you don't know what swass and swoobs are, shit's about to get REAL up in here. Let me preface the subject by saying that I think sweat (mainly referring to the workout variety) is sexy. It's a natural bodily function, a pretty little sheen of sparkle that coats your body while you bump and grind your way to a bangin' boday.

However, sweat isn't cool enough to just hang out on the 'pretty' places...wouldn't it be nice if it did? Sparkly shoulders, collar bones, maybe a little bit on the upper cheek bones? But no, not so much. Sweat likes to hang out and accumulate in your 'hot spots'. We're talking your pits, your lower back, and we know it doesn't stop there.

Ladies, let's chat. One of the hottest spots on our bodies is obviously the zone between our waists and our thighs. If we just walked around or ran at the gym (or otherwise stayed standing), this conversation would be over. However, I had a situation happen in the gym yesterday which made me wonder what all of my fellow gals were doing about the dreaded phenomenon of the swass (sweaty ass). I could use more explicit words, but this is a family show it's kind of embarrassing.

I've been going to the gym with my boyfriend for a couple of weeks now, and for the most part we do our own thing. I've mainly stuck to cardio and body weight exercises, while he does some cardio and then goes to the weight machines. I've been wanting to try out some of the machines, but there have been groups of young guys all over them when I've wanted to explore, and I was a little intimidated. Yesterday was the perfect scenario: early on a Sunday morning, and we pretty much had the whole place to ourselves. I asked if he would mind walking me through a few things (again taking advantage of him being a personal trainer), and we first spent 10 minutes warming up with cardio. I hit the elliptical, and hit it hard. High resistance, hills, speed, all of it. Including SWEAT. I didn't think much of it until I had just completed my first set on the bicep curl machine and had to stand up. As I rose, I looked down with complete mortification to see the imprint of my ladiest of parts outlined in sweat on the seat. Ugh. I tried to do the maneuver where you slide off the seat and wipe it with your butt cheek (that's my move on the stationary bike), but to no avail...I just ended up looking like my legs went out on me. I then tried to distract him for the 5-10 seconds it would take for the imprint to dry (look! over here! a UNICORN!!!), but he bent over to adjust the weight for him and spotted it. He looked up at me and immediately started laughing, presumably at the mortified expression on my face. I mean, we haven't been together for too long--I'm trying to keep it pretty here. I kind of mumbled 'uh...that's my butt sweat' (no shit, Sherlock) and awkwardly laughed. 

Luckily, he's awesome and laughed it off. But seriously ladies, how can we prevent this totally normal but not remotely attractive situation? Any tips?

Perks

One of the perks of living in the complex where I live is that a gym membership is included in my rent. They just finished renovating the gym and it looks beautiful, although it's kind of small. Whatever--I'll take it! It's literally next door to my apartment, which makes "I don't have time to go to the gym" an invalid argument.

Pretty fancy, huh?

Last week I got back into gear with working out, and after 3 days in a row of running and body weight exercises I could barely walk. Another perk I'm enjoying lately is having a boyfriend who is a former personal trainer, who not only provides me with daily programs as needed, but is sweet enough to show up with nice presents like this eucalyptus muscle soak when I'm complaining about my ass hurting from simply sitting still.

(Yup...you read that right. I am now somebody's girlfriend and couldn't be happier about it. My apologies to those of you who were living vicariously through my horrible online dating experiences.)

Not cool, Runner 4

As you could probably could tell from my post about my dad yesterday, I've been in kind of a sobby mood recently. It's a combination of the holiday season, and the fact that I'm generally an extremely optimistic, upbeat person, but sometimes tears just build up. If I don't have a legit reason to cry, I get a leaky face. No one likes a leaky face.

So I got home from work last night determined to either kick my run's ass, or cry out my (basically nonexistent) sorrows on said run. (Ever cried on a run? It's one of the most cathartic things if you can really get it going, but it's difficult...endorphins + sadness don't work well together.)

I fired up 'Zombies, Run' and headed out to do my Week 1, Workout 2 training run. The story now is that I'm safe in the township now, and the doctor is training me to be a 'runner', i.e. go out into the zombie lands to retrieve things for the humans. They mentioned at the beginning that I might have a surprise or some company during the run, but after about 10 minutes I forgot all about it. 

I ran the route with the big hill behind my house, taking a couple of extra side streets to get some more distance. It is pitch black out there with no streetlights, so I was wearing a headlamp. It was also freezing out, so my breath came out as fog, lingering in the air in front of me (also where my headlamp was aimed) and making for an extremely spooky atmosphere.

So I'm in the last 10 minute "free form run", where you can do whatever you like, and getting all into my Taylor Swift tunes (don't you dare judge me) when all of a sudden in my left ear I heard a zombie sound. Just as I was saying "oh god no" and picking up speed, the 'zombie' yelled, 'BOO!' then started giggling. It was just Runner 4, playing a little prank on me.

NOT FUNNY

Once my heart resumed normal beating and I finished planning Runner 4's slow death in my mind, I ran (wee wee wee wee) allllllllll the way home. 

Here's the summary (I laughed when he told me to pick up sports bras for the girls).

Moving Right Along

After Saturday's 'getting chased by imaginary zombies' run, I was appropriately sore on Sunday. You know when your quads are so sore that your legs do a sort of mini-collapse and bend backwards when you walk rather than being able to support you? Yeah, I was that.

However, I was still feeling good about getting back on the exercise wagon. I went for brunch with a friend (Jewish deli...no bagel? Impossible...I had half of one). We then decided to go to the movies to see Silver Linings Playbook (quite good, mainly because I want to hump Bradley Cooper's leg). 

I got home at around 5:30, feeling bloated from popcorn and salt and kind of wanting to go to bed. BUT I DIDN'T. I put sweatpants and sneakers on, and did a fast walk up and down the 6 floors of my building, doing jumping jacks at each set of stairs. It took 30 minutes exactly, and I was so glad I did it.

Yesterday was supposed to be a run day, and as luck would have it the Patriots were on Monday Night Football. I mishmashed my plans of running and cooking dinner at home with going to a friend's house for sushi, and ended up going to her house, running in her neighborhood (which happens to be my old neighborhood and one of my favorite running places), and picking up sushi on the way back to her place. 

The run this time was less scary...I (Runner 5) am in the township now, which is safe. I worked with 'the doctor' on training in the township (see training plan below: the 'run for 15 seconds' thing was frustrating, but probably the best way to start). I liked the way it was set up (a little different than C25K), because by the time you get to the 'free form run' at the end you're all warmed up and wanting to move:

I'll tell you this: the spicy tuna and spicy scallop maki, beer, and football combo at the end was about 200 more satisfying after having worked for it. 

Zombies, Run!

Relevant background information:

When I am chased, I have neither a fight nor a flight response. I simply sit down, essentially presenting myself as bait. I believe it was my brother who summarized it so eloquently: 'So, you basically have no survival skills at all?'

I'm not proud of this fact (nor amused when people try to test the theory), so I decided to work on it. I downloaded the Zombies, Run! app on my phone, the 5K program. I've been sidelined from making any progress due to the toe situation for a few weeks, but by this morning I was itching to get out into the fresh air and get back on track.

At first it was a disaster. I woke up at 7am wide awake and ready to rock and roll, but then thought that since I had 4 shots of tequila last night I MUST be hungover (I wasn't) and therefore should return to bed for a bit. 'A bit' turned into four hours. Whatever, I'm more than rested now. I got up, took a quick shower, chugged some V8 and water and put on my running clothes. Toe felt good in the sneakers. Phone had just enough charge to get me through the run. But then I couldn't find my headphones, my new iPhone holder strap-on thingie was too big and awkward, and I couldn't get my house key off the ring. I spent 20 minutes looking for the headphones to no avail, then just said screw it and grabbed the buds that came with my iPod (which I hate). I also said screw it to the iPhone holder and shoved the phone in my bra instead. Got my ass out the door. SUCCESS.

It's damp and slightly rainy and chilly today--my favorite running weather! I started up the app, which incorporates a story into your run in between songs from your own phone, and headed out. The story is essentially that you are in a helicopter, heading to a human town in a zombie-infested post apocalyptic land or something to that effect. The helicopter crashes, and people from the human town are speaking to you over the radio. They guide you back to base, letting you know when to speed up because zombies are chasing you (they tell you not to turn around and to run as fast as you can, all while zombie sounds are fading in and out--CREEPY.) I had my Garmin on, along with the heart rate monitor, so it was kind of funny to see my heart rate spike throughout the run when the voices came on.

The chart above is my elevation (in green) overlayed with my heart rate (in red). I basically walked/ran up a giant hill and then turned around and ran back down. The amusing part is that the heart rate elevation at the end where the elevation is decreasing is sort of because I was running rather than walking, but  mainly due to the fact that I was running FAST because that was the part where the zombie was right behind me. I got all panicky and I would have loved to watch myself, silently chanting 'ohshit ohshit' while I ran home. At least I didn't sit down, right?

Halloween 5K

When my mom told me about a month ago that she'd been trying to incorporate a little bit of running into her exercise routine, I was more than thrilled. Like me, my mom is constantly battling her weight. When she loses, she's happy. When her eating is out of control, she's crabby and sad. Sound familiar?

I signed us up for a Halloween 5K that I've run before at a school for kids with special needs and developmental disorders. It's a great cause, and a fun run. Also, plenty of walkers so no pressure. I promised to stay with her, and we would run when we could. It was a wonderful experience to share with her, and although with her asthma she struggled at times to keep up (there might have been some swearing and dirty looks at my cheerleading attempts), I loved every minute of it.

I told her as we started that we were going to finish the race in under an hour...anything longer was not an option. She looked at me doubtfully, but to me it's a lot more fun to run when you have a goal. I kept telling her our time, and we'd estimate our pace and see if we needed to speed up or not. At one point I spotted a port-a-potty and needed to go, so I told her to keep walking and I'd catch up. I thought she'd walk slow and take the time to catch her breath, but that little bugger went into full-speed power walk mode and I had to sprint about a quarter mile to catch her. (That's when I realized I wasn't the only one driving our team to finish in time.)

We turned the corner for the final quarter mile, and although it was all uphill I kept pushing her to keep up the good work. She was huffing and puffing and working her ass off just to walk up the steep hill, but when we got to the final corral of cones she looked at me and said 'let's run to the end.' I was so damn proud of her! We held hands as we crossed the finish line together in 50 minutes. The woman who has inspired me all of my life to be better, aim higher and persevere no matter what the circumstances had yet again been the inspiration herself. Love you, Mama Bear. 

The day I drank the Kool-Aid

A friend of mine recently started the Whole 30, which is essentially a slightly stricter version of the Paleo, or Caveman, diet. (If you are unfamiliar with this diet/philosophy, please feel free to research it on your own…I won’t be going into the whole background of it here).

I’ve been listening to her daily updates, doing some research about Paleo in general, and (as expected) getting hit with resistance, disbelief and sarcastic comments from anyone I try to speak to about trying it. I’m sure many of you who have ‘gone Paleo’ have had a similar experience. It’s not surprising, really…it’s a rather extreme concept when you’re used to eating ‘normal’ food and drinking on a regular basis.

Concurrently, I’ve been feeling for months that I’m being a complete douche to my body. Here it is, doing all of these incredible things daily to keep me alive and moving, and yet I continue to put it on the couch or my desk chair for hours on end. I do my hair and makeup and make sure my clothes are doing the best they can to camouflage any unsightly bulges or blemishes, but my insides get no such kind treatment. Instead, my muscles, lungs and heart are neglected. Rather than allowing them to work, strain and build themselves up to be even stronger, I leave them stagnant. My liver, which has so many important jobs to perform, is being taxed continuously with shit food, chemicals and more alcohol than it probably knows what to do with.  

Now, I’m far from being an earthy-crunchy environmentalist who feels the need to rage against the audacity of the government for not providing the nourishment needed to sustain a healthy lifestyle. I fully understand that choices need to be made on a personal and individual basis, and I take responsibility only for myself.

That being said, I think I’m going to drink the proverbial Kool-Aid and dive in. In one month, research tells me that my body will have refrained from using boosts of sugar or caffeine for energy. It will start to function as it was intended, and I will feel stronger and cleaner. I know it’s extreme and it will be met with resistance and debate, and for that reason I will be doing my best to keep it to myself and my blog. I will address things on an ‘as needed’ basis in social situations. I will not burden those around me with my struggles, mainly because I don’t want them to feel guilty about eating any of the things I can not. 

It’s just a month.

If I hate it, it was just a month.

A month.

Note to self

When checking the weather before a morning run and seeing 65 (oh sweeeeeeeet nice perfect), you should also check the humidity level. I don't know what it was, but I think I just ran in soup.

HOWEVER. I just ran. 2 miles. Uphill for most (ok, more like half). Only walked up The Big Kahuna because it's practically vertical.

Yesterday I wasn't even out of bed at this time, so I'd say for right now that Friday is beating Thursday by a mile (well, 2 actually).

FACT.

When you’re having a crap day, going for a walk in the woods/along the water with a good old friend is a complete mood changer.

Watch this.
 
Mood before (the crabbiest apple on the tree)

 Nature working its sorcery...

 

Mood after

See?! Magic.

PW

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but I've been doing something new lately that I feel the need to confess. It's something I hesitated to try, because it's not really mainstream (at least for my age bracket) and, frankly, it looks ridiculous. It started as a joke because I was waiting to see the podiatrist and couldn't run for a bit due to my feet falling asleep. My running buddy Tobey (who is a classic overachiever) said 'sure, let's just walk 4 miles in an hour instead'. Normally, a 4.0 mph walk is rather frantic-feeling for me, so I researched the actual art form that is the power walk and decided to rock it. Sure enough, a joke turned into to a serious realization:

I'm not even kidding around here. We're talking heel to toe, straight-legged, heart-pumping POWER. You see the guy on the far left below? He knows what's up. His shoulder is going to one place and his hips are flying out in the complete opposite direction. It's animalistic, sexy as hell, and almost impossible to do without getting turned on/turning on everyone around you.

I will say though...I did it this weekend by myself (mildly awkward) and an elderly woman who was getting her mail took a quick look at me, looked away and then quickly did a double-take. She then straight up laughed, but I'm pretty sure she was jealous/admiring me/amazed. I would have asked her, but I was moving too fast.

Reasons why I ruled last night

I had FLARP (fantastic ladies’ awesome running practice) planned with my friend Tobey. Both she and I are competitive and would therefore never cancel FLARP for weather purposes, so I knew there would be no excuses.

Seeing as it was hovering around 23F and windy enough to blow your socks off, we discussed the possibility of only doing 2 miles, but secretly we both knew we’d do 3. And you know what? At the end of 3, when we had just run the final bit uphill with wind in our faces and I had a legit line of snot running from my nose to my ear (which was frozen), we got to our cars and at the same time both sighed, “awesome.” Because it really was.

My feet kept falling asleep while we were running (why does that happen? I don’t like it) and I had to stop a couple of times to wake them up. I’ve tried different shoes, tying them looser/tighter, different socks…what else? It happens after about 2 miles. At the end I ran the final 1/4 mile with both feet completely dead. It was scary (I kept thinking I was going to take the biggest digger because I couldn’t see or feel the little bumps on the sidewalk) but BOOM. Did it.

We did concede to skip the 5 minute cool-down walk in light of the weather, which made my feet wake up while I was driving. That was not awesome.

When I got home, somehow I didn’t feel tortured enough, so I found a 35 minute ballet barre workout to do. HARD, especially on just runned-on (ran-on?) legs, but awesome.

Hot shower, hot meal of mushrooms, onions and a black bean veggie burger and warm bed.

The end.

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FLARP

I first met Tobey last March, when my friend Mego (my usual race buddy) introduced me to her on the morning of the Ras na hEireann U.S.A. 5K last year…here are the three of us getting ready to race (Tobey is in the middle).

Tobey (who has the most endearing dimples way up high on her cheeks) almost immediately declared herself to be ‘the most unfun person in America’, but I charmed her with my absurdly inappropriate humor and decided she would be an excellent work-in-progress at the very least.

SO ANYWAY, cut to a year later and Tobey has become a friend. She’s also a great motivator and supporter of my running and fitness goals. When she read about my mileage goal this year of 350 miles (after she scoffed at the small number), she asked if I’d like to start meeting her one or two nights a week to run at the office park where she works to run a few miles. Anyone else who wanted to run would be invited as well.

I’ve always been a solitary runner for the most part, so I was curious to try out running with a partner. I see women running together and chatting, and I always think it looks awesome. However, I was worried that Tobey (who runs fast) would be miles ahead of me and I would be left behind, all

However, Tobey was a true gentlewoman and kept her pace to match mine (thank you again, Tobey) and it was fab.u.lous. We decided that our running group, even if it was just two people, obviously needed a name, and Tobey suggested FLARP*:

Fabulous Ladies’ Awesome Running Practice

Done.

First FLARP meeting in the books last night, 3 miles run in icy slush. It was a completely different experience than running alone, namely in that all of the little issues you seem to hone in on with your body/legs are much more muted with conversation. I’m also terrible about running or walking in a straight line (I typically use whoever is next to me like a bumper to keep me on track), so I felt like my core had a good workout trying to balance and not to knock poor Tobey off her feet with an unintentional shoulder check.

*FLARP was absolutely named after the goo in the plastic can that makes farty noises.

5:50 am: alarm went off

I hit snooze, and then wondered what strange sensation I was feeling. Hmm…I had felt it before, but this time it was completely unplanned…

I needed to run.
 

Before I could change my mind, I quickly changed into my running clothes and downed a half cup of coffee. Check for motivation? Still there. I dashed out the door, expecting a cold wind in my face as I hurried across the parking lot to the gym. What I found instead was a still, eerily quiet morning that was shrouded in fog. It could have been a movie set. Lest I miss the major hint being thrown at me by Ms. Nature (she hates the gym), my ipod informed me that it would not be working this morning due to a lack of charging on my part. In my opinion, the gym without music is completely insufferable.

Decision made. I ran back inside and ditched my headphones, ipod and water bottle. Went back outside and headed towards the start of my 2 mile hill run.

You guys…wow. There was no one around; I could feel the silence. The only sound being made was my feet hitting the ground and my breath panting to the beat of an internal song only I could hear. I’ve heard people describe the whisper of falling leaves but today I heard it, really heard it, for the first time. Their slow, fluttery fall to the ground reminded me that things are so much bigger than me and my imaginary problems. In fact, to even entertain the thought that I might have problems at that moment beyond getting to the top of each hill seemed ludicrous. The problem is that I haven’t been slowing down and stopping to truly appreciate what is around me. To actively engage my senses…all of them…and to actively disengage my mind. I need to focus more on hearing and less on speaking. More on seeing and less on trying to show.

I was lucky enough to complete my first mile without any cars passing by or other worldly sounds breaking into my reverie. About halfway through my second mile, I heard a school bus coming. My first thought was that not only would it be loud as it got closer, but the smell of burning diesel would be sure to invade my nose and give me an insta-headache. Instead as it passed by, I heard the sound of laughing children and was reminded that every day doesn’t have to start with a yawn and a countdown to Friday.

I’m thankful for my run this morning because it reminded me that although any run makes you feel better afterward, running outside is SO. MUCH. MORE. It’s a recharge, an opportunity to think things out and create in your mind, and to cultivate the relationship you have with your own body. With every mile I run I can feel my confidence growing and my worries fading. Therefore I will run more miles.

HIILLLLLL YEAH

I did some minor exploring, and found the PERFECT 2 mile hill/climb route directly behind my building. It’s quiet, and the houses are huge and pretty and nice to look at. Even better is that they are far away enough to not hear my breath just wailing away out of my mouth. I think at one point the hill was so steep I was moan-breathing. So hot.
First mile: 205 ft elevation up to 385 ft, which is a gain of 190 ft and a 3% grade increase.

First mile picture summary:


Second mile:
Pure downhill bliss. Steep enough to give the quads a nice burn, but not so steep as to hurt my knees or shins.  

Second mile picture summary:

p.s. Do a Google image search for ‘excited face’. Happiest bunch of fools you’ve ever seen.

Yeah, but...

When my alarm went off this morning, I was full of buts:

…but it’s cold in here (turn the heat on for 5 minutes, wimp).

…but the cat is on me (if you can’t lift a 9 pound fuzzy thing you have bigger problems).

…but my calves are SO SORE from being on my tippy toes at belly dancing (take 5 minutes to stretch…eventually they will touch the floor).

…but I’m tirrrrrrrrrred (make some coffee).

…but I have a meeting at 9 (plenty of time and you know it).

When all was said and done, I put on my big girl pants sneakers and walked my ass over to the gym. I ran a little over 2 miles. I felt amazeballs afterwards. I was no longer tired, cold, having a cat on my chest, or unable to straighten my legs. I made it to my meeting with time to spare, and I felt all the more productive because of my great start. I’m going to tell myself to shut my trap more often.

Jiggle it...just a little bit

A few months ago, my darling ‘little sister’ Amanda asked if I would ever consider taking a belly dancing class with her. I told her no consideration would even be needed, as my answer was an immediate YES. I love trying new things, and that sounded like a VERY fun new thing.

She did a bunch of research (she’s done this before and knew exactly what ‘we’ were looking for), and on Monday night I attended my first class of a 4 class session. For whatever reason, in my head I had assumed belly dancing would be easy: you frolic, you jiggle, you wiggle, you’re done. At best, a phenomenal ab workout, right? In addition, you get to wear a hip scarf, which was pretty and teal and full of jingly coins. I immediately started walking around and shaking my ass in order to make as much noise as possible.

At 7pm, the instructor walked to the front of the class, and her body was RIDICULOUS. She was a young, graceful brunette with creamy white skin, a lot of which was showing between her hips and her ta-tas. Simply the way she carried herself, so strong and elegant…ah, beauty. She stood still, raised one arm and extended her hand, and then the fun began.

As it turned out, the class was focused on fitness as well as teaching the different styles and movements of belly dance (FYI…the Egyptian-style shimmy is totally different from the American-style shimmy). We focused on circling our wrists (not easy) and doing releves (not sure if I’m spelling that right), which simply means calf raises one zillion times. We did frolic, running all around the room like a bunch of assholes making jingly noises…and the end, we did get to shimmy. Holy SHIT did we shimmy. The shimmy, unlike what I previously believed, actually comes from your legs rather than your hips. The basic pretense of what we did Monday was to clamp our inner thighs together and alternate pushing out our knees until we were doing that at g-force speed. No joke…I was somewhat concerned about starting a fire between my legs because the friction was intense, yo.

To summarize, I have found a new activity to supplement my running/yoga which:

• is fun
• is set to very cool music
• makes me laugh
• includes fun accessories such as jingly hip scarves
• will soon include tiny finger cymbals and scarves (!)
• embraces the feminine curves, of which I have an abundant supply
• actually looks down upon a 6-pack stomach, of which I have a nonexistent supply

My thoughts on this?

Chillin' on a dirt road...

Hey y’all. I just returned from a quick trip up to Canada to see my family for Canadian Thanksgiving…(perfect times!!!)…more to come on that later.

I have to leave again tomorrow for a couple days (surprise work trip to Jersey of all places)…but I wanted to leave you with this picture of the most AMAZING road I was lucky enough to run on while I was away. 2.5 miles both days up there…made the turkey taste a whole lot better. C25KT2 Week 3 in the books.

Game on...wanna play?

I started this thing last week with my little sister where we text each other at any given time with a quick set of workout orders, including basics like crunches, squats, pushups, etc. The rule is supposed to be that no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are wearing we MUST complete the task and respond when we’re done. This has led to some awkward moments, but I like it. It’s a good reminder that just because you don’t have an hour or two to go to the gym, you can still work little bits of fitness into your life. Last week my orders from her were:

• Assignment: 10 girl push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 50 crunches
  (embarrassing story of the day: remember in 6th grade when we used to have to do as many legit sit-ups in one minute while someone held our feet? While I was doing mine, I farted—SO embarrassing in 6th grade but still funny—and my foot holder and I spent the rest of the minute laughing hysterically. I got a ‘5’.)
  Location: my living room, after another workout so no biggie

• Assignment: 50 crunches
  Location: In my office, in a (short) dress. Definitely made eye contact with the girl who sits in the office diagonally across from mine. She definitely called someone else over to look at me and try to figure out wtf I was doing.

• Assignment: 50 crunches, 10 girl push-ups, 25 sit-ups (she loves the crunch/sit-up combo)
  Location: my place, where I had a friend over for drinks and appetizers before going out. I let out a big sigh when I got the text from my sister, but when my friend realized what the mission was, she stood over me with her wine and cheese and counted out my reps. That’s a good friend right derrrr.

Anyone want in on this? This could be a major mistake, but if you want to challenge me I will complete your tasks! (maximum of 2-3 exercises per text please…girl’s gotta work for a living)